Posted: March 12, 2015 | Author: Herr Wozzeck | Filed under: District 9 and three quarters, District 9 and three quarters, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games | Tags: Books, Crossover, Harry Potter, Herr Wozzeck, Movies, Romance, Sci-Fi, The Hunger Games |79 Comments
Title:District 9 and three quarters
Author:Fire Lord Mowse
Media: Books/Movies
Topic:Harry Potter/The Hunger Games
Genre:Romance/Sci-fi
URL: District 9 and three quarters: Chapter 2
URL: District 9 and three quarters: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to this crossover.
*sigh*
Well, I haven’t really got too much to say to this week. I guess the only thing I really can say is “holy God, I hope this week isn’t dumb and stupid”. ‘Cause if last week was any indication… yeah, that level of stupid bodes really, really badly for this fic.
But hey, who am I to tell? Let’s get on with the story, shall we?
We open our next chapter with this:
I get home and hop into our gray one stall shower.
I turn on the cold water and scrub myself from head to toe. I wash my hair, behind my ears, my back, my legs, and my neck.
Um… you hopped into a shower, Edel. What else are you going to scrub, your Chia pet?
And wait, you scrubbed yourself from head to toe and then washed a bunch of areas of your body? Doesn’t that almost sound—
*ALARM BLARES*
sh*t! DRD! Bring out the Muttations!
[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]
…
And you wonder why Katniss mercy-killed that tribute from District 1.
My mom says we should be grateful for what we have. In District Twelve, and Eleven there are no showers; they wash themselves with tin buckets. That water is also cold.
And how, pray tell, does Edel know that to be fact? I mean it’s true and all, but you’d think that information like that would just be a rumor to someone who doesn’t live in District Twelve and thus has no way to witness the minutia of life in there.
I pull out my green brush and brush my hair. If it’s wet, it goes down past my waist.
I don’t know, lady: if your hair is going down past your waist when you brush it, you’ve got much, much bigger problems than your hair being wet. In fact, your whole district might be having much bigger problems than that.
I then finish my shower and turn off the cold water. My mom tells me to dry off before I step out; otherwise the floor gets all wet.
Then there is mold on the floor and if there is mold on the floor, then we have to move.
Oh great, Edel and I share the same damn mother. You know, the mother that’s all “Herr, clean your sh*t, blah blah blah, clean clean clean, clean clean clean clean”.
I’ll give Edel’s mom this, though: in a situation of extreme poverty, being worried to the point of paranoia about cleanliness is more acceptable, so I can buy that Edel’s mom would be worried about that.
Now, Edel: how do you solve the problem of your bathtub molding over? ‘Cause that happens too.
I would like to stay in my house; I think it is very nice here. I have a carpet in my bedroom, a tile bathroom, a wooden floor in the kitchen, and best of all… ELECTRICITY! I love having a reading lamp in my bedroom, and an electric stove, an oven, and a fan to keep the house cool.
I’d complain that Edel is being kind of vapid about having that, but again; she’s in a situation of extreme poverty. Electricity would probably be the kind of thing she’d be super excited to have, especially since the districts are finnicky about how they employ it if District 12’s use of electricity is any indication.
So yeah, here’s an author who has at least some idea of how much it sucks to live in Panem. It’s not a great representation, but it’s something, and you see that far, far too infrequently in fanfics that feature a Mary Sue.
So yeah, author, have a redemption cookie.
And now… we get to skip stuff for the first time since Homura Afterstory! Hooray!
So Edel goes to her room and changes into her dress. We get an aside about how she hates dresses, and then she talks about her dr—
Incoming costume p*rn!
*hides under the desk*
I put on my reaping dress. It is a white dress. Sleeveless, it is held up by two straps that rise off my shoulders and attach at the back of my neck. There is a light yellow band around my waist. In the middle is a flower. My mother insisted it be edelweiss. I hate it. It mocks me, like I do capitol accents.
I slip on white shoes, also with edelweiss on them.
…
*comes out*
That’s it? No overly flowery descriptions of the edelweiss on her waist? No obscure word for yellow that you want to use? No overt description of the frills? No talk about how high up your knees it crawls?
Nothin’?
…
…
…
*leans back in chair, sighing*
Thank God.
So then Edel’s mother does her hair, and then Edel starts crying. Edel points out that she’s only twelve years old and that her name was only entered once, and that means she’s not going to get picked. Her mother tells her not to jinx it, with an aside about how she’s superstitious that lasts for one damn sentence:
“Don’t jinx it my dear.” My mother replies. She was always superstitious.
Yep, that’s the extent that we hear about her mother’s superstitiousness. Goodbye, character trait that had no reason to exist for a character that’s not important enough to be part of this story!
Then we hear the first four noted of Hedwig’s theme. Some man wrote it for Albus’ father’s owl, named Hedwig.
Wait, what? Hedwig’s Theme is known as—!?
*headdesk*
Okay, what the f*ck is that? I know that the tune is known as Hedwig’s Theme according to the various movie soundtracks (and the medley of Harry Potter tunes I played once for a community orchestra concert), but what? How the f*ck would the characters know? And no, that lame-ass excuse that lasts one sentence is not a good explanation. Because who is this man? How did he know Harry Potter? If he met Harry after Hedwig was still alive, how did he know about Hedwig? Are there even owls in Panem?
And wait, the first four notes of Hedwig’s Theme? The first four notes of Hedwig’s Theme go like this:
And for reference, here’s Hedwig’s Theme in full:
So that leads me to ask you this: HOW THE f*ck DO YOU KNOW IT’S THE FIRST FOUR NOTES OF HEDWIG’S THEME!?
*headdesk*
*takes away the redemption cookie*
Well, if nothing else, it’s confirmation that our Sue is, in fact, a Terminator.
I know what that means. First warning. Hurry to the square.
You don’t want to be late for the reaping.
Yeah, you kinda don’t. I imagine it ain’t pleasant what happens to those kids.
So anyway, Edelweiss goes up to her father, he follows her downstairs, and… doesn’t exit the house? So why the f*ck did you go look for your father, then? Anyway, she then mocks the Capitol, and then we get this:
I start singing because I’m nervous I sing the song I was named after. Edelweiss. My mother says she named me Edelweiss for two reasons.
It’s meaning and the song.
She says it was her grandmother’s favorite song. Honestly,I kind of like it myself.
Huh, so the Sue also mentions that she was named after the song as well. Huh, it’s cool that they managed to find a complete Rodgers and Hammerstein tune there.
Just like the complete tune from ancient Greece that I have just laying around in the pantry!
Anyway, we get more description of her arrival at the square where the Reaping is to take place. It’s all pointless information, it’s all skippable, she sees Hugo and mouths ‘good luck at him’, he mouths back ‘may the odds be ever in your favor’…
…
*headdesk*
I swear, this fic has used that phrase more times than anybody in Panem did across the first third of the first book. It’s kind of annoying like that.
Anyway, they do that, and then…
I hear a loud click-clacking noise.
It’s Amarie, our reaper. I turn my head to the front.
*snerk*
Wait, this Amarie is your “reaper”. Jeez, I know the Capitol likes to rub the point of the Hunger Games in the districts’ faces, but damn, I didn’t think you’d go so far as to dress her up for the Reaping every year! Damn, President Snow, that’s some hardcore sh*t right there!
She then gives us a big speech about how the hunger games is an entertaining show, and if we get picked it should be an honor and etc. etc. etc.
Huh, so we don’t get shown this speech at all, huh? Gee, I wonder if anybody actually cares.
I want to shout that nobody cares, because no one does, but I don’t. I stand there silently, murmuring edelweiss under my breath.
Oh. Huh, even Edel seems attuned to the fact that nobody cares about a speech that’s told to us and not shown. Interesting…
Anyway, we then get this:
I take note of Amarie’s outfit. It’s lavender purple, a poofy dress. Her hair is piled high like a tower. It looks like a giant purple mountain. I also note that her skin has a purple-ish tint to it. Do they not realize how ridiculous they look to us?
I look behind her at our two living victors. Orla and Junio. They sit in chairs next to the mayor. Our third and our fourth dies a couple years after their games.
Orla is our only female victor, but she still stands tall like anyone would if they had won. She won by sitting in the background and watching all the others kill each other, distracting careers with fake fires so she could steal their food, then, her last opponent died of thirst.
Junio won by beating everyone with the massive club that he carved out of a tree with his wand. He’s very annoying, drunk, and strange in the head, if you know what I mean.
*holds Alma up to the fic*
That better not be a hom*ophobic slur you just implied there, missy. You’ll be lucky to get out of this alive if it is.
Also, fic… Look, I know that Katniss liked to go on and on about previous Hunger Games and the victors in the books, but come on! Not only did she not take this long to do it, but she also did it at a time that was actually relevant and not, you know, supposed to be dramatically tense. Like a Reaping.
Which you are in right now.
*BAM*
Anyway, after that, we get some prose about her picking out the names in the ladies bowl. Blah blah, nothing to see here, let’s just—
Then she opens up her purple lips to say the name on the paper.
“Edelweiss Nimmo”
*snerk*
“Nimmo”? That’s her last name?
*falls over*
*One Hour Later*
Oh man, that’s great. Oh man…
The children around me back away and stare with sorry eyes.
I do not show my fear.
I was taught not to.
Showing fear makes you look like prey.
I am not prey.
I am the predator.
Whoah, Edel, hold the phone. You’re just a twelve-year-old girl who, last chapter, was racing f*cking Ron Weasley up a pole! And then for no reason, you do a complete 180 and wind up about two steps away from this:
*BAM*
Jeez, I know it’s a technique to manage fear, and being able to manage fear is something you really need right now, but can you not go to the other side of the equation, pretty please?
I walk to the stage with my head held high.
When I reach it, I look for my mother and father.
As they cry silently, strangers comfort them.
Okay, um, you could’ve put that in the same paragraph, you know. I don’t think you—
I look for Albus, he is staring at me like all the other children in the square.
He is sad for me, but hopes I win, for the sake of Hogwarts.
…
You done?
…
…
…
Okay. Now, as I was saying—
I seek Hugo, but I cannot find him.
Then, I see his head pop up as the male tribute’s name is called.
Hugo Weasley was the name Amarie called.
I bite my lip to stop the wails.
*BAM*
Jesus Christ, I know these sentenceographs are at least decent from a grammar standpoint, but god freaking damn it, man! What even was that? That was just… agh!
*headdesk*
Also, oh no, Hugo Weasley’s name was called, whatever shall happen next. The tension is so totally killing me.
I watch him carry his head high as he walks to the stage. I taught him good, I taught him good.
Well, if nothing else, you’re helping your own self-esteem? Maybe?
The crowd boos at us. Hugo has a puzzled look on his face, but I know why they boo.
They do it because two twelve year olds were picked.
I do not think about what happens next.
I grab the microphone from Amarie and start to scream into it.
“HEY, YOU! I’M TALKING TO ALL OF YOU! BOO-ERS, SCREAMERS, EVERYONE! IF YOU DON’T THINK THAT HUGO AND I DESERVE TO BE IN THE 20TH HUNGER GAMES, THEN VOLUNTEER YOURSELF!”
That seems to quiet them, and me, down.
*frown*
You are aware that you’re being sent off to die, right?
I feel better.
I seem to have gotten all my anger out.
I don’t feel better that I am sent into a death match.
Oh, okay then. So you yelled at them ‘cause you were pissed off and sh*t. Fair enough, I’ll accept that, especially since it would be a perfectly legitimate reaction to realizing “oh sh*t, I just got pulled into something in which I am very, very likely to die”.
Hm…
*thumbs the redemption cookie*
I just wonder… the 20th Hunger Games? So this is happening early on in the history of Panem…
I’ve got a pretty bad feeling about just that.
*hides redemption cookie*
Wow. Today has been quite a day.
It’s not even over yet.
Well, the chapter’s over, at least, so that’s something.
Hm…
Y’know what, patrons? Let’s tackle the next chapter as well! It seems like the perfect kind of thing to do right about now, you know what I’m saying?
So yeah, the next chapter begins with this:
“Three minutes for visitors.”
Three minutes? Huh, I was under the distinct impression that they all take less than one minute.
A white peacekeeper shoves me in a small, dark room with a creaky, old wooden door.
The first visitors come in.
It’s my mother and my father.
I kiss them both on the cheek.
My mother seems to have lost herself.
And you couldn’t have just lumped that all into one paragraph because… “EXPERMINT”, I assume?
…
*headdesk*
My mother speaks first, through her sobs, “I told you -sob- not to jinx it!”
Sorry, ma’am, but that’s what you get for talking like a ten-year-old kid despite the fact that you’re old enough to have reared a twelve-year-old child. Karma has a way of kicking the asses of immature people, don’t you know.
I pat her on the back and hug her. “It’ll be okay mom, I’m strong. I can climb. I’m fast. They won’t catch me. If they can’t catch me, they can’t kill me. The odds are in my favor.”
Yeah, honey, here’s what happened to the last person that this moniker applied to:
See, Katniss was being a freaking realist when she told her mom “you better not zonk out on Prim again the way you did when dad died”: Katniss, for as much as she volunteered because she felt she had a better chance of surviving than Prim, knew to tell her family to stay strong, because she was aware that she was probably gonna die in that arena.
And granted, you might not know that “comfort” is not what your mom needs: she needs to be told to stay strong. But given all that “I’m the predator” stuff and the fact that you taught Hugo to hold his head high if he got picked… yeah, you’ll forgive me if I’m skeptical of why you didn’t go the route of telling mom “buck up, you better stay strong no matter what happens”.
I then whisper to my dad, “Take care of her.”
He whispers back, “Edel, you’re smart, you know I can’t do that.”
*brain screeches to a halt*
Wait, what!?
I then whisper to my dad, “Take care of her.”
He whispers back, “Edel, you’re smart, you know I can’t do that.”
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Taco, Fraug, Lyle, would any of you be so kind?
“I’ll have someone help you with it.”
Now! Do it now!
My dad speaks as my mother keeps sobbing “Edel, we wish you the best of luck, remember us and we love you.”
I start to cry a little.
His words mean so much to me.
Yeah, I’m sure they do, madam. I’m also sure you realize how little we actually care from the blank stares we’re directing at your face.
So kindly show us stuff about—
We stand there, just hugging for about a minute. I feel strange rushes of emotions.
I am happy, sharing this moment with my parents.
I am sad, I will have to leave them soon.
I am mad. There were thousands of papers in that bowl. Why me?
What did I do?
The world is so aggravating.
Then we break apart.
…
*headdesk*
The really short sentenceographs are going to be a running trend with this fic, aren’t they?
*reads ahead*
…
f*ck my life. Just… f*ck my life.
I start to say something, but a different peacekeeper drags them away with a “Time is up.”
I have just enough time to shout after them, “I love you.”
Then the door closes and I wait for the next visitor.
Which would’ve been handled in one installment, but okay, I guess that works too.
After a minute or so, the door slowly creaks open and Albus peeks in.
He looks around, then approaches.
His black hair makes him look scary in this room. I back away a bit.
Then,
I realize his green eyes make him look harmless.
I rush up to him and hug him. ” Albus!”
“Hey, Edel”
*frown*
Wait, did you just try to set up suspense with who a character is even though you told us who he is in the first sentence of his appearance?
*BAM*
And wait, is that…?
*BAM*
Oh my God, really? There’s a paragraph that isn’t even a complete f*cking sentence. I can’t even begin talking about how stupid that is. I just…
“Yes?”
“I have a favor to ask of you.”
“I’m going to see Hugo too, don’t worry Edel.” He smiles.
” That’s not what I’m worried about. Make sure my mother eats. My father can’t ever help her. He’s weak too. Just make sure she eats, keep telling her I’m okay, even if it’s not true.” I rush out in a blurry of words.
“Edel, you worry wart. Of course I will.” He laughs out.
So apparently, Edel’s father is weak.
See, Mrs. Nimmo (*snerk*), this is why you don’t marry a f*cking couch potato! He just does absolutely nothing to help around the house. And now that your daughter is off to do stuff for you, then she… then she…
*frowns*
Wait, I just realized: so her father is apparently weak that he can’t do much, right? So how the hell did those two morons manage to survive when their daughter was away at Hogwarts?
I grab his shoulders tightly, “This is serious. Just do it. Time is almost up. I will live, I will win the 20th annual hunger games and come home to you, and everyone”
“Edel, If you live, Hugo has to die.”
I think about that as he is dragged away by peacekeepers.
I’m surprised you don’t think about “I could die”. But screw it, you are a Mary Sue.
The door creaks open for a third, but not last, time. I see a face and two hands, peeking out from beside the door.
This next visitor is a vaguely familiar one. Rose, Hugo’s sister. She has probably just come from visiting Hugo.
Her red hair looks brown in this ‘dazzling light’
Oh thank God, some description. It’s more description than anyone else has gotten at this point. I’m pretty sure of that, at least.
“Hi”
“Hi Rose”
“I was sent by Hugo to give you a message.” She says to me.
*brain screeches to a halt*
Wait, so Hugo told his sister Rose to give Edel-Sue a message?
“What is the message, Rose?” I ask, meaning the question. I want to hear whatever Hugo will tell me.
“He wants to be in an alliance with you,” She says quietly, “He wants you to know, if he dies, you will win.”
My eyes tear up. ” I will protect him with my life, and if he dies…” I tell her as I wipe my eyes. Predator, not prey, I think. “I will win. For him.”
*headdesk*
Okay, Hugo, quick question: you told Rose to run to Edel to tell her “hey, I want to form an Alliance with you”. Forgiving the fact that this kind of strategic thinking is beyond the stretch of most twelve-year-olds, and even knowing that it’s a good idea to form alliances…
…why, in God’s name, did you not wait two f*cking minutes to tell Edel that yourself? ‘Cause you do realize you get carted onto the same train to the Capitol after the tributes are ushered away from the courthouse, right? Right?
Anyway, she then gets visited by Hugo’s mom, who—
Oh, are you f*cking kidding me?
I’m almost positive Hugo said she quit divination, so she can’t read minds, then she continues, “I’m here to give you a token from Hugo, he hopes you will take it as your token into the arena.”
She opens her palm and inside is a silver owl statuette, with huge orange eyes, and a little hat. It is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!
Yeah, and unless the Peacekeepers snatched it out of his hand or something (which they didn’t do with Katniss’ mockingjay pin), he should be able to give it to you himself, Edel!
*BAM*
What kind of friend is Hugo Weasley? He just sits on the sidelines with Edel, doing everything except for doing the logical thing! You know, telling her in the train to the Capitol. ‘Cause it’s not like people are kept separated on the trains to the Capitol, you know! Everyone has to have strategic meet-ups on those trains!
And even if they don’t know that about the trains to the Capitol, does Hugo really think they’d go through all the trouble of sending them in on separate trains? Sorry, Hugo, it doesn’t work like that! Especially since the tribute pair comes out together in the actual parade in the Capitol!
*headdesk*
f*ck it, let’s just move on.
I cup my hand and Hermione puts the owl into my hands.
I tuck it into my belt, so it doesn’t fall out.
“I’ll treasure it forever.” I say, meaning it.
“Thank you.” She says, and turns to the door.
Dear Jesus Christ… Okay, let’s see what—
“Wait!” I raise my hand to stop her
“Yes, Edel?” She turns to face me again.
“I want you to give this message to Hugo. Tell him this: I’ll love you forever, like you for always, as long as smoke rises, my best friend you’ll be.” I be cryptic, but I know that he’ll understand what it means.
Oh great, and now Edelweiss is getting in on that sh*t, too?
*headdesk*
f*ck it, we’re skipping ahead!
So now we step outside, and we get a paragraph that establishes the mood weather of the day. So it’s all clichéd and stuff. Anyway, she then hopes she gets Orla as a mentor, before she—
I feel the peacekeepers release their grip on my arms. We have finally reached my house. I rush into the house and up to my room. Then I sit on my sunset purple bed and have a good cry. Soon, I have cried myself to sleep.
Wait, what? I… doesn’t the Capitol normally usher them straight to the trains? What the f*ck were they taken back home for? That’s why they had the goodbyes, Edel!
*headdesk*
Well, it’s nice to know that adherence to how the tributes actually get to the Capitol is one of this fic’s strong suits.
So anyway, Edel wakes up the next morning, when her mother—
*brain screeches to a halt*
Wait, what!?
I wake up to my mother calling me, “Edel, Hugo is here to see you!” Hugo! I sit up and run down the stairs. My wish has been granted. It may be late, I may have missed dinner, I may still be wearing a dress, but Hugo is here, and all is well.
…
THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT WHOLE GOODBYE SCENE WHERE—!?
*headdesk*
Never mind, I don’t want to know.
So then Edel and Hugo talk a bit where they got each other’s messages. Edel then apologizes for dragging Hugo into it, saying that if he hadn’t moved to be closer to Edel he wouldn’t be in this mess. Hugo tries to counter that she wouldn’t go in alone, but she then rightly points out that it means he’s in danger of dying, too.
So then they go upstairs, and—
We sit on the bed and continue our talk.
… she literally tells us about the conversation they had instead of showing it…
…and then we get this:
Then he gives me a cryptic message. I listen carefully, It is different than the one I gave him. It is deeper than mine, and also kind of creepy.
Oh dear God, please don’t let it bean Ulrich-Stu style rant about the meaninglessness of existence. Please, please,pleasedon’t let it be one of those…
“You can shed tears because I’m gone,
or you can smile because I have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that I’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all I’ve left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see me,
or you can be full of the love we shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember me only that I am gone,
or you can cherish my memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what I’d want you to:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
Oh thank God, it isn’t!
*sits back, lets out a sigh.
I mean, this bad poetry is really bad, but I’ll take this over a f*cking Ulrich-Stu rant any day. At least this is trying to tell something, and at least it tells it succinctly in a way that can be understood by anyone.
I’m still trying to decode it.
…
Unless your name is Edelweiss, in which case you suddenly get a case of the stupids when trying to figure out its meaning. Seriously, isn’t it obvious that it means that, if he dies, he wants you to move on and have a new life with other people?
I think it means, If he dies, he wants me to move on and have a new life with other people.
See? There you—
I’m still not sure if that’s what it means.
*headdesk*
This lady isn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the box, is she?
After he says this, I fall asleep.
What? But you just woke up, and now you’re falling asleep again!? Jesus Christ, what are you—!?
*headdesk*
Gah!
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
I am not sure what happens next, but I am sure that he stayed in my room the entire night.
I woke up and he had dark circles under his eyes.
I told him to go to sleep. He refused, I insisted.
Yes. Please do tell us about that. Please do tell us about Hugo Weasley standing over his friend like that like f*cking Edward Cullen. I’m sure we all could do without seeing that sh*t, yo! ‘Cause that’s totally investing and stuff, am I right?
Eventually, the sleep wins over the energy he has left. I leave him in my room, and change into a T-Shirt and jeans, then go down to eat my breakfast.
Ah, yes, the classic “T-Shirt and jeans” look that is everywhere in Panem. You know, ‘cause it totally hasn’t been usurped by commercially available versions of Lady Gaga’s wardrobe!
There, I am told we are to leave for the capitol tomorrow morning.
Eight hours and fifty-seven minutes later, he wakes up.
I bring him a sandwich, since he slept all through lunch and breakfast. I tell him the thing my parents told me, that we are to leave for the capitol tomorrow morning, and he groans.
Much like how everyone was groaning at how horribly daybook this prose is right now.
I guess he forgot about our ‘exiting death match’ while he was sleeping.
Well, duh, of course he did! He was sleeping the whole time, and he slept through the part where you briefed him about how you were going to run away to the fabled District 13! What else did you expect?
Everyone likes to forget.
Especially about the hunger games.
And about the fact that, somehow, three chapters in a row were completely bolded!
*headdesk*
God motherf*cking dingus damn it, this is gonna be a long one, isn’t it?
*sigh*
Well, I’ll see you guys next week. Bring the popcorn, I have a feeling it’s about to get a lot worse from here.
